What to say....it's a summer blockbuster...so that's noteworthy, I suppose. I guess I could say that my popcorn was delicious! Yes, that's it. My popcorn was muy sabroso.
My Rants:
- Why are we mad at the Russians? And why are we calling them Russians? In the 1950s and 60's they were Soviets. In fact, I recall completing a first grade geography project (circa 1989) in which I researched (my mom read me a World Book article) on the USSR. So, if movies are supposed to speak to the time period in which they are created, why are we so far behind on our enemy fronts, eh?
- Aliens? X-Files era was soooooo 1997. Area 51...I'm so over it. We have new conspiracies now, thanks.
-Really? It's his kid? Indiana Jones had sex!? He's virile? Never saw that coming. Oh no. Cinematic relationships are ruined for me forever.
-So, he hid in a fridge...bounced after a nuclear blast into the desert and survived? I'm concerned about the fallout-free acqua-non-potabile he had to have been drinking! Was it in a plastic bottle?
-Where do they gas up the military vehicles in the jungle? And why didn't Marion's head get blown off when Evil Cate Blanchett in terrible wig and accent lady- dah!- fired the machine gun at her from close range?
- Where were the clever catch phrases and lines? Do I need to go back and watch the original(s)? Why is Indy soooooo f'ing bad at translating? Does every word in ANCIENT-MAYAN-INDIAN-SPANISH-CONQUISTADOR-AZTEC language have a double entendre? Why can't he translate anything right the first time?!
- Maybe I was so distracted by the inane dialog ("Their version of gold was actually knowledge. They saved the knowledge!" and silly plot (How did we get to all those conclusions? Oh yes, by jumping there like Mexican jumping beans)...but- was the John Williams' score good? I mean, I heard the I.J. theme (bum-buh-bum-bah...)but I didn't notice the music doing anything but warning us when the danger was happening. hmm.
My Rewrites:
-Why couldn't Indy have had a daughter?? That would have updated it, feminized it, she coulda been badass-- not a whiny little greaser kid who wasn't particularly awesome at anything. Sean Connery woulda been cool with a badass granddaughter.
-The monkey-zombie-ninja-grave-protector people. What's up with them? Extras from Mel's Apocalypto? Did they require explanation? Guess not. Good thing the Russians, er, Soviets killed them all.
-So, in a disability-studies sense, maybe this wasn't brilliant, though-- Oz was essentially retarded. He'd blown out his brain looking at the magic crystal head thing and then they have to use him as their leader. Indy, Marion, and the kid are incredibly patient and not patronizing to him...oh wait, except when Indy yells at him "Get HELP!" and he returns with all the bad guys to their hiding place. Good job, mentally-disabled guy. Oh, wait, I probably should marvel instead at Indy's annoyance with Oz's not-smart decision. I mean, he DID bring help...
As a second part of this-- if Oz is the key to this being a modern telling of some kind of current fable...when what is it? We value the idiot savants? Our culture has something to learn from autistic heroes? Feeling this one out here...Oh yeah. He was cured at the end...so he's no longer retarded. Indy gets tied down, Marion finally gets the wedding she wants...guess we have to pass the torch down the patriarchal line...to their stupid, undereducated, always-coiffing son. Can't wait for the sequel...
Oh, I netflixed Kinsey and man, it was pretty good. It probably deserved the awards it received.
