Several songs are rolling through my head right now. Unfortunately, there are a lot of losses for me going on in December. Considering the raw fact that I have self-diagnosed SAD, dreary winters are difficult as it is. Losses, however, do not add to the general unpleasantness of this holiday season/month. I used to really like New Years.
In fact, I was reminded today of how I brought in 1999-2000. Wow, life was so simple and yet so complicated. When you're 17, things are just so, so different. The drama in your head-- with embroiled emotions and hormones-- what a cocktail of excitement all that is. I'm glad I had that little chat, even though I was a bit covered up in depressing thoughts to be able to satisfactorily wallow in the nostalgia. An evening of movies, sleeping, making out, playing, enjoying--- what a great way to start this decade and century.
So, December marks the loss of my wonderful grandpa-- when I was only 14-- he was like my father. My dad had more or less checked out physically, and was only around for emotional hardship purposes. It absolutely ached to see all the people around me who loved him hurting so much for his quiet calm, wisdom, and knowledge. I said to my mom at the wake, "people are telling me they are sorry, like they know it's my grandpa. But it's really like I just lost my dad." My middle school band director (a really great person) stayed at the viewing for hours while my younger sister sobbed in his arms. It was quite touching.
A nice memory I have of that cold December-- I was determined that my younger siblings wouldn't miss Christmas traditions because of it all-- so I rallied my siblings-- all 5 of us, and dug out my mom's recipe box. I ordered my little brothers around alllllll day in that kitchen and made cookies like no one's business. There were little tricks about all those cookies that my mom knew that I didn;t-- but it was truly beautiful, all the handwriting on the recipe cards, the giant mess, the trays and trays of cookies, the plates to bring to neighbors, etc.
Last year, my grandma Jane died on the 9th. She planned to miss thanksgiving for surgery in the hospital, but had a plane ticket booked for the weekend after. That's how much she planned on being back in the game. She was sitting on the couch in her nightgown and fleece robe-- clipping coupons and saying to me and my sister-- the night before surgery-- I'm not through bothering you all-- haha-- spending time with you all yet. Somehow her body got the best of her spirit and it was time for her to go.
There are times that I don't feel like she's gone at all-- like I'll be able to have the senior breakfast at Ihop with her or talk about all the trips we took together or bitch about my mom. I suppose I can still bitch to her about my mom, but my replies are a lot less catty. I want to talk to her so much about being a teacher. She'd have been so proud of me for what I'm doing-- I honestly feel like so many things about her skipped a generation-- her flamboyant personality, her attention to other's feelings, her need for attention, her competitive nature-- that made it squarely into me and I am so honored to have had such a great relationship with her. I grew up (until I was about 12-19) with 3 great-grandparents. I thought for sure my kids (the ones I don[t have) would know her. I hate that they won't.
It brings me on to another type of loss I'm experiencing right now-- the loss of a partner. It's breaking my heart because it's so slow and bitter. I'm reminded of so much music-- the most music that I've ever shared with another (outside of a performing group, duh) and it hurts to have shared all that. Listening to itunes-- I have to uncheck and delete songs from playlists because they make my heart absolutely ache right now. I came across some paper letters from this one today and somehow they were strangely impersonal. They were about his ghosts and triumphs with me as an afterthought. The search through gmail for his name popped up the ones that made me miss the what-could-have-been/what-we-had. What does that say about the interface? The emails had greater depth? His personality was more at ease when translated through a keyboard, not a pen? The other thing I realized, is that he and I have not sent letters since he's been back in the same time zone. Granted, the letters made it more romantic and were more of a necessity because we were far apart, but did that part need to go away entirely? That's for another day to think through.
I hope the rest of this week isn't so hard. Last week was really, really rough for me. I'm so grateful for my friends and my sister putting their hands out to catch me. I feel like I'm falling so slowly and I can't enjoy the wind in my face because I know the ground is going to be cold and hard when I hit it.
Here's the big ones in my head/radio/ipod right now. Sorry Grandma and Grandpa, you'd hate all of these.
Wilco: I am Trying to Break Your Heart
"I always thought that if I held you tightly
You'd always love me like you did back then
Then I fell asleep and the city kept blinking"
Kelly Clarkson: Already Gone
"Remember all the things we wanted?
Now our memories are haunted,
we were always meant to say goodbye."
Rilo Kiley: The Good that Won't Come Out
"It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me."
Glen Hansard: Say it To Me Now
"Cause this is what you've waited for
Your chance to even up the score.
This mystery only leads to doubt
And I didn't understand when you reached out to take my hand
And if you have something to say
You'd better say it now."
Imogen Heap/DeRulo: Hide and Seek/Whatcha Say
"Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out
I just didn't know what to do
What did she say?
That you only meant well?
Well of course you did.
Whatcha say, that it's all for the best?
Of course it is."
--adr
