from my portfolio intro/dedication

So I finished my portfolio defense today and passed with an excellent score! I'm so proud of myself and grateful to all the people who have helped me sooooo much. You never know when you may be influencing someone in a productive manner, that's all I'm gonna say! I wanted to reprint part of my introduction/dedication page because I took the opportunity to make my advisor read about how thankful I am to other people. The dedication part was NOT necessary in his eyes, but totally required in mine. THanks, y'all!! -- <3 Adr

___________________________________________________________________________________-

Have you ever heard the phrase, “How do you eat an elephant?” The answer is of course, “One bite at a time.” No, it’s not quite Oedipus solving the riddle of the Sphynx, but it has been a bit of a mantra for me as I worked through my Master of Arts in Teaching English program at Agnes Scott College. This year has been a whirlwind of activities, friendships, assignments, concerts, field trips, lesson plans, and meetings with students. At times, I never thought I’d be able to finish the elephant on my plate, but as Aesop’s tortoise states, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

None of this program or portfolio would have been possible without the kind and generous support of energizing women mentors and friends. I feel incredible gratefulness to the following: my cooperating teacher, Mrs. Amy Jurskis, for her tireless good advice; Dr. Betty Scott Noble for her commitment to the Agnes Scott community; Dr. Rosemarie Garland-Thomson, for her encouragement to pursue Women’s Studies; the Ladies of Luchsingers a Cappella, for giving me the opportunity to make beautiful music and sing on this fabulous campus; my mom Anita and sister Emily for faithful understanding; the Amnesty International executive board on which I serve with Sarah, Allison, Courtney, and Jakevia; the English Departments of Tri-Cities High School and Inman Middle School, for sharing their students; my MAT cohorts, Maddie Shepherd (Crowhurst!) and Christy Williams, for being sister Scotties in the Black Ring Mafia; and President Elizabeth Kiss, for her vision of this World for Women. I’d also like to thank all the students I observed and taught at Mt. Zion Elementary School, Avondale Middle School, Inman Middle School, Chamblee High School, and Tri-Cities High School. My love goes to my close friends and roommates, Will, Katy, Jay, Shelley, and Chelsea.
Journey with me for a fresh bite of elephant. Bon appetite!

love-ology...you-ology, me-ology, forgive-me-ology

Acccck! So, grad school is almost over. In reading over some old emails, I realized that it was April 29th last year when I sent out an announcement that I would be attending Agnes Scott. I received a lot of love back (through the universe, via email, etc.) and it's been an AMAZING year. I really can't believe how much change I've experienced this year...my life, where I thought I'd be, what I've learned, who I've met, the things I never thought I was capable of doing...holy crap, I'm gushing.

My main thoughts on this year:
1. Write. I like to do it. When I do it for school, I'm pretty good at it. When I do it for myself, I'm slightly stunning. I need to make this happen more somehow. It can flow out of me like a catharsis I just don't even understand.

2. Sing. I REALLY like making music. I've gotten to sing with Luchsingers and Chorale and there have been some momentous occasions over '07-'08. Luchsingers have sung for huge groups of people, the opening of the Chapel, Deans, and have recorded live and a "studio" album. This has been so much fun...because these ladies are so freakin' dedicated to the things they are involved in...I'm so impressed. I never thought I'd have so much common ground with people a few years younger than me.
Chorale has been fun too...it's been a good step along the way to me auditioning for serious groups-- I'd gotten a little community on myself here. We sang with Ga Tech-- first time in decades, sang at the Chapel (it was really beautiful, wish you'd been there), and will sing at graduation. Gosh, singing keeps me so sane. It's really awe-inspiring to me, because I didn't know how un-grounded I could get so fast without this joyful noise bursting from my soul, bleeding into my heart, and coming out as my voice.

3.Be open. I've been open with a LOT of people (more so than I'd ever imagined telling semi-strangers about myself) and subsequently, I consider myself to have expanded my circle of friends to some new women and men. Luchsingers ladies blow my mind...the girls I met in my classes this fall were wonderful too. Can I just say, Maddie and Christy saved my life over and again with all the pratfalls of a helluva fast program like this. I'll miss Maddie sooooo much being in the UK and I can't believe Christy and I are going to be teachers in the fall. Crazy! I've met great teachers at schools, observing and student-teaching...and networked fairly well. This is important to me because I'm pretty brassy and being able to reel some of that back in yet still have my quirky personality has been great.
The kids I've met have reinforced my belief in myself...not for needing adolescent adulation, but rather for being able to relate information and myself professionally to these young people. I have enough "mommy" instinct in me to do well with little ones, I just never thought I'd be able let alone manage, much less positively impact these bigger young people. Emily said I was a teacher like Janet...and maybe she's right.

4. Lose. I've lost a lot this year...my grandmother to eternal rest in May, my boyfriend to circumstance later in the summer, my roommate to mental disease in the fall, my backup job at Fernbank to progress in December, my students at the end of student teaching, my sanity at times...
This losing has really been good for me. I believe in that crap about what you live through making you stronger...but looking back, I've felt like it's been a learning experience that I've needed to have on my curricula. I hate the transitions around loss...I never feel like I get enough chance to say goodbye to the things I want to let go of...but the time you get is all you get, no questions asked. I hated the transition from Oxford, hated the transition breaking up with GHC, hated the transition leaving my mom's house and then later leaving Janet's, hated the transition back into college at Clayton, hated the transition from full-time student to school employee, hated the transition of breaking up with Will...the first transition I've dealt with okay was from working to doing this master's...maybe it will start a trend.

5. Love. I have discovered the depths to which love can abandon you and conversely, the heights to which love can walk side-by-side in support. I've seen how simple love can be and just how amazingly complex is is...I thought I had a handle on it at different points of my life, but young people, love is always in flux. Love is there...it's a river, changing and never the same from any angle twice, but always there-- to soothe, to incite, to swallow, to challenge. I have felt so loved this year.
My friends have been amazing. My sister and mom have been so supportive-- even my brother has been coming around to being really great sometimes. Rex has been through a lot and we've gotten closer too. Will helped me numerous times when I was about to fall apart and I don't know where I'd be without him. My dog has been my saving grace...don't laugh, it's totally true. Bella's really fun and deferential (word?) and loving and she keeps me happy. Profs I've met this year have showed me some professionalism and exposed me to levels of academia I'd not thought about reaching for. Other people at Agnes Scott have been immensely helpful at my times of crossroad/transition-- when I was in danger and when Olivia's mom died. I wish this feeling of supportive love to anyone. It's so wholesome.
To reiterate, Luchsingers are love for me...this music and these women have been so healing and enriching and empowering for me and who I strive every day to become. Love, love, love...in the friend/family way, Katy, Em, Rex, Courtney, Arleen, Will, Dan, Christy, Puppy, Dr. Mac,...the list goes on. I've had some false-starts at love this year too, but it feels really, really right with Jay-bird. God, it feels good to really be me around someone so much and so simply. We just are...I'm a little scared I'll wake up from this delicious good love dream...but maybe it's not a dream. Oh, and on Candler Road, scratched in the sidewalk, there is an "A+J" and another one in a coffee cup drawing. I don't know who the grafitti J and A are, but I like them. :) To think, we've been around each other for years, our paths crossing and intercepting, but not finding this love til it really made sense...as Bob told me, "your well of sorrow is equal to your capacity for fulfillment"-- we needed a sense of the depth to have the propensity to soar.

6. Dance. And be upside down. Dan and I went to all those 6 Flagseses and it was really fun...even though we fought a little. Dancing is fun, is good for exercise, makes you feel good...so does being upside down. :)

Okay, so I started this post because I am listening to Regina and Fidelity and Samson are in my head and playlist. As usual, when I don't try, I end up writing about other things.
Here's the words that jump out to me...
From Fidelity, by Regina Spektor

I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

It breaks my heart

Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall

Breaks my heart

I feel so, so lucky. Life is good...there's music in my mind...and it breaks my heart that everything is so good...but the heart that's under the cracked one is so much more perfect than the outer shell. <3 Adr

Big Casino...

Okay, so it's come to my attention that "our generation" does not have any good war-protest songs. I mean, it seems that way...songs of the Vietnam era seemed to unite people in the fight...Bob Dylan, John Lennon, The Police, Ani DiFranco, any punk group...those seemed to work(?). I'm not willing to make a statement on whether or not I think they worked; I realized as I was on a solo car trip (wow, me in my car for 4 hours...damn, I was hoarse, and the truck drivers all got a show) that I may have read the Jimmy Eat World "Big Casino" all wrong.

So, for nothing more than posterity...[and my future ENG/SOCIOLOGY interdiscioplinery college course on explicating song lyrics as a facet of modern storytelling...] here's what I think:

I feel like it's a war protest song, however, it doesn't seem like anti-Iraq or Afghanistan or anything. I mean, there's been talk of a draft, but nothing has actually happened on that front. So, I guess I feel like it's referencing wars with drafts...or maybe it's even taking on the perspective of other countries which DO have mandatory military service...yet there's the New Jersey thing! Gosh, I felt a lot smarter about this when I was driving and listening to it incessantly at 3 in the AM!


Well theres lots of smart ideas
In books I never read So, we're establishing that the speaker is young.
When the girls come talk to me and apparently attractive, or otherwise able to inspire lithe young admirerers.
I wish to hell I had and, he's young and dumb...but now has the perspective of regret

Get up, Get up
Turn my ignition
Get up, Get up
Fight off [fire up?] the system So, that's pretty anti-war, anti-The Man, etc.
Play my little part in something big This line I just love. Mother Teresa says this, "We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love."


I'll accept with poise, with grace Grace is a message I can live with, war-protest or not.
When they draw my name from the lottery What lottery? WWII? Vietnam? NATO-driven Eastern European countries?
And they'll say all the salt in the world couldn't melt that ice Cold day in hell when...[you name it] message here? I'm still puzzling.
I'm the one who gets away So, you wanted to play in something grand on your own scale; is escape the solution?
I'm a New Jersey success story Totally don't get this one, but I think about Michael Moore's message in "Fahrenheit 9/11" with the family stories of the kids who either chose to serve in the military or were coerced into serving from Flint. The kids from Flint are the proverbial Everyman.
And they'll say Lord give me the chance to shake that hand If the admirer girls are shaking the hands, or the other people who admire those who serve? Higher-ups?


Back when I was younger
I was someone you'dve liked This makes me a little pensive because I wonder if whatever the event was: the war, the escape, the lack of participation in society has made this person hard and closed off.
Got an old guitar I had for years I let you buy Clearly, the music and lightness in his heart is gone...if it was ever there.
you ain't dying enough to know Such a threat and a warning to the living. Youth is wasted on the young, as they say...but it's never too late to take up your plan to rage against the bad in the world.
There's still some livin' left when your prime [time?] comes and goes But this is pessimism-- it's not a warning; it's just saying that you're just like him and you've wantonly wasted every chance you got to suck the marrow out of the bones of life.


Get up, Get up
Dance on the ceiling Fred Astaire? This is getting crazy!
Boy you must be dreaming This isn't the hopeful dreaming.
Rock on, young savior, don't give up your hopes It's hard to say, here what he believes. Is he hopeful for the one who isn't him? He maybe has transpired into something beyond his ego, here.

I have one last wish
And its from the heart The song is a swansong? It's over, he went to war and he died? Or is he just dead inside?
Just let me down
Easy I wish this was "don't let me down".

The chorus happens again here...but the final line seems truncated, while it isn't. "They'll say" is actually pretty powerful, I think. He's pretty sure of himself that he's made such an impression on people, on the girls, on the war, on New Jersey, on the comrade "Young Savior" that they will still have reason to talk about him...but will they?
They'll say