Acccck! So, grad school is almost over. In reading over some old emails, I realized that it was April 29th last year when I sent out an announcement that I would be attending Agnes Scott. I received a lot of love back (through the universe, via email, etc.) and it's been an AMAZING year. I really can't believe how much change I've experienced this year...my life, where I thought I'd be, what I've learned, who I've met, the things I never thought I was capable of doing...holy crap, I'm gushing.
My main thoughts on this year:
1. Write. I like to do it. When I do it for school, I'm pretty good at it. When I do it for myself, I'm slightly stunning. I need to make this happen more somehow. It can flow out of me like a catharsis I just don't even understand.
2. Sing. I REALLY like making music. I've gotten to sing with Luchsingers and Chorale and there have been some momentous occasions over '07-'08. Luchsingers have sung for huge groups of people, the opening of the Chapel, Deans, and have recorded live and a "studio" album. This has been so much fun...because these ladies are so freakin' dedicated to the things they are involved in...I'm so impressed. I never thought I'd have so much common ground with people a few years younger than me.
Chorale has been fun too...it's been a good step along the way to me auditioning for serious groups-- I'd gotten a little community on myself here. We sang with Ga Tech-- first time in decades, sang at the Chapel (it was really beautiful, wish you'd been there), and will sing at graduation. Gosh, singing keeps me so sane. It's really awe-inspiring to me, because I didn't know how un-grounded I could get so fast without this joyful noise bursting from my soul, bleeding into my heart, and coming out as my voice.
3.Be open. I've been open with a LOT of people (more so than I'd ever imagined telling semi-strangers about myself) and subsequently, I consider myself to have expanded my circle of friends to some new women and men. Luchsingers ladies blow my mind...the girls I met in my classes this fall were wonderful too. Can I just say, Maddie and Christy saved my life over and again with all the pratfalls of a helluva fast program like this. I'll miss Maddie sooooo much being in the UK and I can't believe Christy and I are going to be teachers in the fall. Crazy! I've met great teachers at schools, observing and student-teaching...and networked fairly well. This is important to me because I'm pretty brassy and being able to reel some of that back in yet still have my quirky personality has been great.
The kids I've met have reinforced my belief in myself...not for needing adolescent adulation, but rather for being able to relate information and myself professionally to these young people. I have enough "mommy" instinct in me to do well with little ones, I just never thought I'd be able let alone manage, much less positively impact these bigger young people. Emily said I was a teacher like Janet...and maybe she's right.
4. Lose. I've lost a lot this year...my grandmother to eternal rest in May, my boyfriend to circumstance later in the summer, my roommate to mental disease in the fall, my backup job at Fernbank to progress in December, my students at the end of student teaching, my sanity at times...
This losing has really been good for me. I believe in that crap about what you live through making you stronger...but looking back, I've felt like it's been a learning experience that I've needed to have on my curricula. I hate the transitions around loss...I never feel like I get enough chance to say goodbye to the things I want to let go of...but the time you get is all you get, no questions asked. I hated the transition from Oxford, hated the transition breaking up with GHC, hated the transition leaving my mom's house and then later leaving Janet's, hated the transition back into college at Clayton, hated the transition from full-time student to school employee, hated the transition of breaking up with Will...the first transition I've dealt with okay was from working to doing this master's...maybe it will start a trend.
5. Love. I have discovered the depths to which love can abandon you and conversely, the heights to which love can walk side-by-side in support. I've seen how simple love can be and just how amazingly complex is is...I thought I had a handle on it at different points of my life, but young people, love is always in flux. Love is there...it's a river, changing and never the same from any angle twice, but always there-- to soothe, to incite, to swallow, to challenge. I have felt so loved this year.
My friends have been amazing. My sister and mom have been so supportive-- even my brother has been coming around to being really great sometimes. Rex has been through a lot and we've gotten closer too. Will helped me numerous times when I was about to fall apart and I don't know where I'd be without him. My dog has been my saving grace...don't laugh, it's totally true. Bella's really fun and deferential (word?) and loving and she keeps me happy. Profs I've met this year have showed me some professionalism and exposed me to levels of academia I'd not thought about reaching for. Other people at Agnes Scott have been immensely helpful at my times of crossroad/transition-- when I was in danger and when Olivia's mom died. I wish this feeling of supportive love to anyone. It's so wholesome.
To reiterate, Luchsingers are love for me...this music and these women have been so healing and enriching and empowering for me and who I strive every day to become. Love, love, love...in the friend/family way, Katy, Em, Rex, Courtney, Arleen, Will, Dan, Christy, Puppy, Dr. Mac,...the list goes on. I've had some false-starts at love this year too, but it feels really, really right with Jay-bird. God, it feels good to really be me around someone so much and so simply. We just are...I'm a little scared I'll wake up from this delicious good love dream...but maybe it's not a dream. Oh, and on Candler Road, scratched in the sidewalk, there is an "A+J" and another one in a coffee cup drawing. I don't know who the grafitti J and A are, but I like them. :) To think, we've been around each other for years, our paths crossing and intercepting, but not finding this love til it really made sense...as Bob told me, "your well of sorrow is equal to your capacity for fulfillment"-- we needed a sense of the depth to have the propensity to soar.
6. Dance. And be upside down. Dan and I went to all those 6 Flagseses and it was really fun...even though we fought a little. Dancing is fun, is good for exercise, makes you feel good...so does being upside down. :)
Okay, so I started this post because I am listening to Regina and Fidelity and Samson are in my head and playlist. As usual, when I don't try, I end up writing about other things.
Here's the words that jump out to me...
From Fidelity, by Regina Spektor
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music
It breaks my heart
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Breaks my heart
I feel so, so lucky. Life is good...there's music in my mind...and it breaks my heart that everything is so good...but the heart that's under the cracked one is so much more perfect than the outer shell. <3 Adr
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