What a difference a year makes...

I was having a conversation with one of my few friends out here in the West. I was saying, I've had some odd crystalizing moments with moving-- and most of them have to do with the concept of home, life, and identity. I still refer to Atlanta and Georgia as "home." When people ask where I live, I usually say Grant Park, which they ask, Chicago? But you work in Denver. Then I remember, oh yes, there are other famous Grant Parks out there, not just my beloved one in Atlanta. And technically, I live in Denver. The Denver in Colorado.
    *            *                  *

I asked my friend, "Do you ever feel like your life is just displaced? That you're kind of watching it, like a play, and you're disconnected from it,  but you don't belong in it?"

He said, "No, I feel like my life's a play, and I'm in the audience and shouting at the people on stage and in the audience to interact with me, but they can't hear me."

That made me think. Is my life a play?  I *am* attempting to act the best that I possibly can though.
*         *         *

As of June 2013, I didn't know what my job was going to be in the fall. For a teacher, this is really frustrating and anxiety-bringing. I was in Grant Park and sharing a ramshackle townhome with the wonderful Tricia, and we were having brunches and trips to the farmer's market and runs/walks in the humidity together. My sister was expecting her baby, my aunt and my mom were recovering well-- my aunt from Guillaun-Barre and my mom from her hysterectomy. My friends and I were solid- brunches, astrology, book club, etc. I was dating a guy, a neighbor, who was from a different country and had a really different culture than mine-- and an accent. (Mmmm, accents!) But a cute guy with an accent is not really enough to stay in a city that doesn't quite feel right.

Allyson and I...friends for over a decade, July 2013

Welcome sign right over the KS border

So I moved. See this post here. The song in my head and on the radio was "Cups: When I'm Gone." There sure have been mountains, rivers, and shivery sites on this journey.  

And since last June, my friends and family helped me pack up my life, yard sale stuff, free cycle stuff, move furniture to my mom's house, and get in my '03 Taurus and drive the 1500 miles through Tennessee, Kentucky, Illinois, and Missouri (the guy with the accent had a very nice friend who treated me to dinner in St. Louis and broke up my trip), then finally to Kansas and Colorado. I'd never driven anywhere that long, and definitely not by myself. Solitude has a new meaning for me out here. Independence too.

So, in a few words, the things that have changed for me over the past year:

1. Friendship- I've been pretty independent here in Denver, and found it hard to make new friends. I have a few. But the friends that are my long-distance friends are closer than ever to my heart. You know who you are.

Sonja and I at Frozen

2. Family- Other people's families have taken me in, in a sense here. A lovely Canadian-American family has me to their home often, and my coworker, who is Peruvian, has shared her children, her sister, her baby niece's Baptism, her parents, and her beautiful kids with me. Seeing family at Christmas and Spring Break-- not seeing my mom and my sister Emily every day or every week-- it's been an adjustment. Not being in the hospital room when my baby sister had her baby-- I never expected that. Another unexpected change in my life is my relationship with my father. I'd talked to my dad exactly 5 times in the previous 7-8 years and I, after soul-searching, and endless conversations with Allyson, Tricia, Marcus, Trina, and Chelsea, attempted to bury the hatchet with my father and tell him about me leaving for Colorado. He's been kindly supportive (with moving) and lots of texts and calls to check in on me. I think he and I both don't know the steps to this adult dad-daughter dance, but we're working on it. And it feels good.

Proud papa James Earl

10 days old

3. Stella- This one gets its own entry-- Stella is no longer a Belgian beer. She's the most perfect, happy, sturdy, beautiful, jabbery, blue-eyed, messy-haired little 6 month old girl who I call my niece. She's a little star- a little gift to everyone she's around. Her parents are lucky to have her and she's lucky to have the best momma and daddy. Get used to all the Colorado presents and shirts, little baby. You're gonna get those and post cards and notes from your Auntie Moto for the rest of my life.

Many bandages...

4. Pet companionship- I had to leave my Petey Bella at home with my mom when I left in July. It was heartbreaking for me. When I got back to her in December (I meant for it to be September or October, but it didn't work out), it was the sweetest reunion. She's saved my life and my sanity so many times since her bizarre winter-blizzard drive across the country with me and my friend Dan. I have many entries about her Mast Cell Tumor cancer and her life living with those yucky cells in her here.

Double rainbow in September past the Continental Divide

 5. The West- I adore Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and the Little House books, so I fancied myself a bit of an urban pioneer, uprooting my life at 30 to come out West. The West is so many things. Rugged (oh, MOUNTAINS!), spacious, friendly, unfriendly, dry, high, open-minded, and simultaneously full of hyper athletes and lazy hippies. Denver drivers can't handle rain (particularly floods), but bulldoze over everyone in snow. Again, the West has meant solitude to me. I'm okay with it-- I'm independent, and I found out just how much independence was in me. And I also found out how much my Southern roots meant to me too. As a friend of Jimmy's (Dave Mitchell) stated well, "There's nothin' like voluntarily exhiling yourself from a place to find out how much of it is in you."

Feb- Indian Springs- 108 degrees but in snow

Jan-- A frozen over Echo Lake- and Mt. Evans

Love seeing NY this way

Rockefeller Square in winter. Ahh.

6. Travel- I've traveled 3 times for work-related courses for IB this year. My apartment felt like home for the first time when I returned to it from LA in October. Speaking of-- in L.A., I got to touch the Pacific Ocean and have dinner with Ford (Marcus's brother and big shot academic) and Vicki (Girl Scout leader and friend Devin's mom). It was the first time since August, I'd seen people I KNEW. I felt like a deflated balloon once I left them, because I felt like I was in my own skin once again.  In Salt Lake City, I got to see the beautiful

Subway: I own you!

Mormon architecture and spaces, and enjoyed dinner and a night with Annalise's girlfriend Mel. Hospitality DOES exist out here, somewhere! And in November, I got to go to New York (I adore New York) for the second time and I got to see Broadway shows, sightsee, take the subway, stay at a friend's  in the Upper West side (thanks Camilla and Larry!) and visit with a friend from the 3-Day, the dear and hilarious and kind (and TALL!) Annie. What a trip.  I packed in a backpack too--
for cold and 5 days. I'm a badass. Travel back to Atlanta-- in December- meant I bought a car and brought my pup back to Colorado. Travel for Spring break meant my sweet pup got to stay with my neighbor Danielle while I was gone. Meeting sweet Stella and seeing my friends...oh, the preciousness of those moments.

 7. Road travel- Selling my Taurus was bittersweet, but I got the cute little AWD Suzuki because I

Can I drive the next leg, Dan? Sure, Bella.

wanted something for the snow. My long time BFF Dan drove with me across this great United States. Getting to see the country covered in snow was mind-boggling to him, and was beautiful to me. Staying at a hotel with a big giant bulldog in a sweater, hilarious to see other people. Making that trip on I-70 in winter with a partner...very different than solo in the summer.






8. Work- I learned to value my time, my trainings, my experiences, and my talents so much. I put together great field trips, shows, events, and experiences for my kiddos. I got to have colleagues from all the continents, but Australia. I now have friends from China, Africa, SOuth America, Central America, and Europe. Oh, and I took kids on public transportation, made a fire, painted fingernails and toe nails, taught songs in many languages, taught swimming and ice skating. Yes. Me. Ice skating. It's been an emotional roller coaster of a year, but I've learned a ton from the kids, parents, and teachers. Wow. What a year.

Outdoor Art Gallery

S'mores at the lock-in- Denisse, Griselda, me, Alphonsine

The Sinclair dino in Golden, CO

Rainy Red Rocks Ampitheater

 9. Love- Man, I fell in love this year, and I fell hard! I met a couple people to date since July, but none of them were quite right. I love love love love LOVE. And this blue eyed boy who looks out for me, takes pics of me when I'm at races,  makes me breakfast, goes on adventures with me, dances with me at concerts (both Arcade Fire and Fray), walks my giant dog (and doesn't care when she gets fur on his couch), listens to me babble incessantly,  pushes me out of my comfort zone and expects me to to the same for him, and takes care of me when I injure myself...well. As another Chris in my life likes to say, "He's good people."

10. Sports, Hiking, and Athleticism- Denver is a sports town. There's college and professional baseball, basketball, football, hockey, lacrosse, soccer...why the heck hasn't this place hosted the Olympics?? People are always in athletic gear and I joke that as soon as there's 12 square inches of grass soaked in sunshine, there are shirtless men playing volleyball, dodgeball, soccer, kickball...whatever. Being healthy here is pretty much the norm-- and it's infectious. I've hiked huge and not huge trails in Colorado State Parks, Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado Open spaces, and nature trails.

Chilly Cheeks 4M, Cherry Creek State Park- Feb

Finishing the Colfax 5k- May

Picnic at CC Reservoir, Oct

In July on 2013, I was caught up in the energy at Race Expo for the Peachtree with my best friend Allyson and I signed up for a race in Atlanta in October, not dreaming that I'd live 1500 miles away. Since then, I have run 5ks, 4 Miles, and 10ks, and signed up for several more-- some of which were thwarted by weather, injury, or transportation issues.  Nevertheless, I wasn't particularly athletic-- I like swimming, yoga, and jogs with my dog, but running races has inspired something in me.  I love to see new courses, go to places I've never been, and feel the energy from running in a group. I plug in those headphones, tune out the world, and tune into my body and feeling my cells the way one feels the wind through leaves of a tree-- on a wholesome and healing level.

Sparing you the swimming pics- here's ice skating March

 I've been to hockey games (peewee and pro), Rockies baseball games, and I had tickets to a Lacrosse (the Outlaws) game, but I tripped down my stairs and was too hurt to go that night. (ugh, injuries and clumsiness!) I played soccer for our field day with my students and colleagues and had a blast. I never thought of myself as an athlete or interested in spectating, but it's been a new side of me. Who knows how many sides we have to our personalities-- I think we're only as limited as we want to be.

Walker Ranch Trail and Falls March

Shannon and I at the Avs (vs Blackhawks) Feb

*        *          *
In further contemplation over my friend's statement about shouting at the players and actors, wanting to participate...what can I say, I may not every feel at home here in Denver. I'll always be an outsider who says "y'all" and is confused by architectural differences in buildings here as in the South (swamp coolers, what?). I can say nothing but I'm actively participating in my own life here. I like to think that some of the things I did in my younger years (traveling to Italy, for example), I wouldn't have done, if I'd known JUST how scary they might be...but then again, I'm braver than I ever knew I was. This solitary move out West has proven that to me. The Sara Bareilles song, "Brave" was very popular as I was driving last July, and the words still work for me:

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Clear Creek Park in Golden in Feb.

So, all this bravery didn't come from nowhere. I've teared up several times writing this, as I think about the love that's held me up and given me faith. I didn't put music in my list, because music is always in me-- it's always in my head and gives my heart strength. Thank you to all the friends who wrote me letters, emails, and cards, facebooked, and visited when I was in town. I'm glad I've gotten to share a bit of my Colorado, my Denver, with Abe, Dan, and Thacker, when they visited.  Thanks to all the people who've listened to me work through any and all solitude and conflicts that I've struggled through here. Your "big brave" has made me strong.

East Meets West...Pleasure and Pain

This weekend, I hiked a very long, arduous hike-- I arrived at 2:15 and didn't get back to my car until after 6:00 PM. I had planned to go to El Dorado Canyon State Park, but I only made it as far as an open space called Walker Ranch Trail. It was listed as moderate-difficult and there were portions that were nearly a vertical ascent. The terrain was rough-- rocks, gravel, sand, and mud. It was so hard. And so worth it!


This South-Eastern girl taking on the Western mountains left me in so much pain! My legs were stiff, my sciatic nerve pain in my hip was inflamed and angry, my shoulders were tired, and my upper back felt like it had been pounded on by fists. It was an incredibly windy day up in the foothills, and Colorado natives had mostly stayed in from the gusts. I took a hot shower and some Advil and went to bed. Getting up on Monday was torture!

This was where my week went East. Far East. I scheduled an appointment at the Acupuncture Lounge. I'd been for acupuncture several times here and I like the atmosphere. It's a "community" healing environment--the idea is that your "qi" (life force/energy/chi) can work with other people's-- and that when we're in the room together, you heal faster. It's  in a cool old building in Denver with natural light, paper lanterns, exposed bricks, and wooden surfaces. You stay clothed and the healer inserts the needles and checks on you throughout an hour-long session. There's Eastern music (some Native American flutes, some gong and chime music too) playing and there were maybe 5 other people around.

 I consulted with Hong, then selected a massage table to relax on. She checked my pulse, then started inserting needles. There were probably two dozen! It's weird, because it doesn't hurt-- a pinch when it goes in for some, nothing for others. I guess it had to do with the size of the needles. After a while, I could feel my body's circulation increasing; there was a sense of warmth and energy surging down my back and legs. I napped a little and just kind of concentrated on deep breaths and having a peaceful mind.


After my hour was nearly up, she came and felt my feet again, she noticed that they were still really cold. She asked if my hands were cold-- and I said, "No, but my feet almost always are." She took the needles out and did a 10 minute massage-- I think it was considered a Thai massage. There was chopping, pounding, and prodding! It didn't feel bad...but it wasn't relaxing either!

Moving on to Tuesday...on my journey of East vs. West, I had a massage appointment on Tuesday at MassageLuxe. It's a similar business as MassageEnvy-- you schedule with them and they may or may not have the therapist you like. I've had a therapist there who utilizes acupressure in her deep-tissue massage, named Sabrina, who was excellent at helping my back and sciatica not be so tense. She wasn't available, so I had Dagen instead. I explained about my sciatica, and he requested to do "glute work" through the sheet. He asked multiple times about if the pressure was too light or too deep (more, Goldilocks, more!), but it was the BEST back and body massage I've had in years-- particularly for my lower back/hip/sciatic nerve pain! However, I felt like he was standing on my ass with his elbows a couple times-- or maybe that's just how wound up all the crazy muscles in my body are! It's a good hurt, but it definitely still hurt the next day!

And Wednesday, more East. I attended my second or third Dahn Yoga class. To be completely honest, it's weird to me. There's some louder music, "brain-body" connection, tapping, patting, counting aloud...all that seem like a strange version of yoga to me. You also don't use a mat, and you wear socks. I like barefoot yoga. I wanna be in touch with the earth, what can I say. So, I went to the yoga class-- one of the postures is similar to "happy baby pose," where you are more or less rolled into a ball on your back and you wiggle around. This usually eases a lot of sciatic nerve tension for me-- but, after the Thai massage Monday and the Deep-tissue massage on Tuesday, the hard floor against my spine and "sit bones"-- were slight torture.

So today is Thursday. I'm home from work. I think I'm going to pop back over to the West here today. Not going to tackle any of these beautiful snow-covered Rockies, but instead, my Netflix Queue. That's Western right? Relaxing, zoning out, laughing at some network television comedy? I'm pretty sure after three days of Eastern therapy to soothe my aching bones, I might need to veg out, 'murrican style. My couch is pretty comfortable...and an early bedtime is calling my name. Maybe I'll order some Thai take out...just so I don't detox too hard from all this Eastern stuff! 

How about you...anybody else have any good remedies for over-doing it on the trail or the track?

Shiny new National Park Pass

While I was in Atlanta for Christmas, my dad surprised me with a request for me to choose between a Colorado State Park pass or a National Park pass. I actually haven't been in Rocky Mountain National Park since I moved (I went frequently when I was here summer 2009) due to the flooding in the fall and the prevalence of state parks and open spaces near Denver. 

Hearty breakfast and National Park plans

I'm doing a little research online, dug out my RMNP guide book, and am eating a tasty breakfast-- eggs, homegrown sprouts, avocado, and blueberry-hazelnut bread from Great Harvest. I'm going to fill up my camelbak and head out on a Sunday hike.

It snowed last night (I LOVE THE SNOW SO MUCH!) so it's chilly this morning and there's a nice dusting of snow around-- so I'm excited to get bundled up and head into the mountains. I'm planning to head to the Emerald Lake Trail and see what I can see. It's a little gray out, but I think the clouds will clear so I can see more of this famous big blue Colorado sky. Stay tuned for an update post with some pictures!

Dream Lake (from the National Park website)